


hearts like scattered petals

by nutteu



Series: Toast/Sykkuno [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Infidelity, M/M, toast has a gf, toastkkuno are selfish bastards, unrequited corpsekkuno, yes i love my metaphors leave me alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29269353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutteu/pseuds/nutteu
Summary: Sykkuno flirted with all the grace of a newborn fawn. Toast was a knight in shining armor. They were fuck buddies and everything felt like springtime and unsaid words at four in the morning. [Toast/Sykkuno; infidelity]
Relationships: Sykkuno/Jeremy Wang
Series: Toast/Sykkuno [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149494
Comments: 34
Kudos: 78





	hearts like scattered petals

**Author's Note:**

> who the fuck needs hurt/comfort when you can go yolo and break your heart completely? hurt/hurt all the way it is!
> 
> i'll just say this here, toast and sykkuno are selfish motherfuckers in this and i love writing them that way. they break apart so prettily like that. i understand that this might not be your cup of tea, but maybe you can venture out for some spicy, bitter warm tea at four in the morning.

* * *

When Rae introduced them, and Toast assessed Sykkuno within an inch of his life, he had decided that he’d stay away from this springtime personified into a hesitant wind and soft flower petals. When Sykkuno kept stuttering his way into their lives, and smiled so softly with his delicate fingers covering the half of it, Toast resigned himself into having another soft spot that he’d poke at until it was sore.

Sykkuno was almost like a small plant that Toast put on his table, and put a trust that it’d grow without his care; so pretty to look at, such a fragile thing that thrived despite the neglect. Rae said, he could try to be friendlier. Lily said, Sykkuno was too soft for this world. Toast saw someone who survived the road to hell and was standing at the edge of a cliff for far too long. One step away from free falling into the abyss, but finding so many reasons to stay instead of leaving. Sykkuno tried so hard to keep his feet planted on the ground, but sometimes he swayed and Toast thought, he didn’t want to be responsible for another broken thing that he should put together for the sake of friendship.

But Sykkuno thrived, and Toast heaved a deep sigh, and sat next to him on the edge of the cliff. He extended his hand, and said, “You can talk to me if you want. Or something.”

Or something, Sykkuno had echoed, dumbfounded. It was too early in their friendship, and Rae couldn’t be happier. Toast felt like Sykkuno had basically charmed everyone into becoming his knights in matted armor. Because shiny armors were historically untrue. The shine wasn’t practical, it was a beacon.

When Sykkuno texted him at two in the morning, asking if Toast wanted to have some tea before their stream, Toast felt very much like he roped himself into donning the shiny armors and put himself as a beacon for all the enemies to see. Sykkuno was a liability and a fort of steel all at once, and Toast said, _yeah, tea is good_.

He sat at the countertop with a cup of tea that was too sweet for his taste, Sykkuno nursing his with a small smile and face far too pretty at two in the morning. He remembered about not wanting this friendship, not wanting a small plant on the top of his table. But he could be friendlier, and Sykkuno was too soft for this world.

Sykkuno said, “I’m- I’m glad that you don’t hate me, Toast,” and Toast nodded and cradled his cup of tea like it was a hesitant wind and soft flower petals in the springtime.

“Can we—is it alright if we’re friends?” Sykkuno asked with hope in his doe eyes, and Toast clasped the last piece of his shining armor.

“Yeah,” he said, a beacon of enemies and miseries, standing on the edge of the cliff with a man who had been hurt too many times, broken into pieces nearly unsalvageable. “It’s alright.”

Sykkuno smiled at him at two in the morning, in a humid autumn before a rain, and Toast made the first move to pave their way into the abyss.

* * *

In his mind, it was all so dramatic. In reality, it was less dramatic and more of decisions that they consciously made. They were aware of the risks, they just chose to ignore it because they felt invincible within these four walls of Sykkuno’s room, so sure and arrogant in the certainty that they could keep a body under the bed and no one would find out.

It wasn’t something so sinister, of course. But it was close.

It happened like this: Lily brought Sykkuno along, Rae introduced them because it was a requirement that she became fast friend with nearly everyone, and Toast answered with short sentences that made Sykkuno close himself off. He rectified that after Sykkuno was brought to the house, and Lily threatened him with too many realistic promises and Toast reluctantly changed his stance. Sykkuno shy-smiled his way into their friendship, and Toast let out a long suffering sigh and they were friends. Just like that.

Of course it was more complicated than that, but Toast liked to compartmentalize things and Sykkuno was too good at evasion to actually talk about the things. They had to rely on Toast’s unreliable narration.

“I’ve never kissed anyone,” Sykkuno told him, his fourth cup of coffee held tight between two sweater paws.

It was like Sykkuno actively tried to make himself smaller, softer than he already was because he enjoyed the simplicity of becoming something so compact. He compartmentalized himself; Toast could approve on principal alone. But the actual thing made him want to scream, because Toast didn’t do all this bro-talk and share his feelings for the world to see. Not when Sykkuno was five seconds away from asking for snuggles.

So Toast relied on his knowledge of Sykkuno’s behavior and hypothesis of what he would do when presented in certain situations. So he said, “Let’s kiss then,” and fully believed that Sykkuno would prove his theory true by blushing bright red and refusing with stutters and a healthy dose of ‘ _Oh, Jesus_ ’.

“You don’t mind?” Sykkuno said instead, and he looked so painfully earnest that Toast heaved another long suffering sigh and put down his coffee so Sykkuno could stand and lean against the counter.

“Use the rule of blowjobs,” he said, and Sykkuno sputtered and blushed. Now he did that, what a fucking disappointment. “No teeth, tongues are optional, saliva is normal, sucking is okay. Oh, breathe through your nose, and don’t bite unless you know what you’re doing.”

“A-are there really such rules?” Sykkuno asked, looking nervous now compared to ten seconds ago.

“Shut the fuck up,” Toast said, but kissed him softly, gently nonetheless. It was his first kiss, and Toast, despite himself, wanted to make it count. So Sykkuno could go back to this and wouldn’t feel like it was a memory he had to lock away just like the most of his memories in life.

It was something sentimental, a voluntary help. Sykkuno was afraid to reach out and afraid to impose even to people who reached out to him. Toast was just trying to make him less unsure. This was alright; this was nothing to worry about.

But of course Sykkuno had to kiss back with kitten licks and small noises on the back of his throat, and Toast bracketed his arms on both of his sides and kissed him again. Sykkuno learned slowly to breathe through his nose, pulling away a few times because he was losing air. He looked at Toast like he was worried, like he wanted to try again, so Toast did it because Sykkuno wouldn’t be able to start it first.

It was almost endearing, how he fumbled, how he was surprised by the smallest things. This was a new sensation and experience to him and Toast felt the power of holding something over someone’s head even when he kept kissing Sykkuno as if they couldn’t just stop after the first few times and call it a good try. It was hard to, he found out. Because Sykkuno found something new that he wasn’t afraid to learn, and his curiosity was something electric. Like the fourth cup of coffee as a courage liquid to ask for a first kiss.

But then Toast slotted a knee between Sykkuno’s legs and swiped his tongue on his lower lips and Sykkuno honest to gods _whined_. His breath got stuck in his throat, and it only took a split second before he slipped his tongue inside and slowly taught Sykkuno how to move their lips even when their tongues were tangled like something forbidden, something out of stories about sacrifices for the wicked.

Sykkuno’s lashes were very, very long and his lips were very, very soft and suddenly, it wasn’t alright; it was something to worry about.

But Toast said, “This doesn’t mean anything,” and Sykkuno nodded, and they were kissing again like Toast didn’t back away from Sykkuno’s offer of friendship, like he didn’t think that Sykkuno was someone he didn’t want to have anything to do with, like Toast wasn’t a knight in shining armor and Sykkuno wasn’t a fort of bleeding heart.

“Thank you,” Sykkuno whispered, nearly half an hour later. Soft, shy, too afraid to share it with the world, but trusting Toast with this burden of having a secret, a broken piece he had to be responsible for.

“Yeah, sure,” Toast said.

The coffee was long forgotten, and it took Toast only fifteen minutes to sleep. It wasn’t alright, and it was something to worry about, but it didn’t feel wrong, and Sykkuno really had pretty eyes, didn’t he?

Not pretty like the princess. Like a dragon, with a castle made of liabilities and broken pieces and bleeding heart. Maybe that was why Sykkuno turned to him, because Toast was a knight in shining armor; a beacon of enemies and miseries, and dragons had always liked shiny things, didn’t they? Toast would storm up the castle, and stay inside for a long time because Sykkuno made the fourth cup of coffee and smiled so gently and kissed like he wanted to be held right on the edge of the abyss.

* * *

Ever since then, Sykkuno was bolder, more confident. Not in his attitude in general, but his willingness to acknowledge and reciprocate when people flirted with him. Toast wanted to mock him. As if a few kisses were enough to make him feel like he was on the top of the world. But the way Sykkuno seamlessly danced between innocence and sinful teasings was something entertaining and enthralling at once. He had a way of playing with people’s mind into thinking the way he wanted them to. Sykkuno, the wholesome, innocent little fae in every games and every server; Sykkuno, the wild card and unrestrained savagery when he was just a voice without a face.

Toast didn’t flirt with him. He snapped and snarked, and sometimes reminded Corpse that Sykkuno followed Toast around with wide eyes, seeking approval in every turn. Just because Sykkuno gasped and became excited whenever Corpse was around, didn’t mean that he exclusively did it to one person only. Sykkuno flirted with all the grace of a newborn fawn and it worked so well that it amazed Toast to a certain extent.

Sykkuno lived in the same place with Toast and Michael, heard Rae and Lily cursed in worrying frequency, saw Poki’s confidence in dealing with smooth words and tension so high in the air they could taste it through the connection. He made a contract under Scarra and his terrifying alcoholic tendencies and there was no way, _no way_ in hell that Sykkuno didn’t know what he was doing to people. It was impossibly hilarious and entertaining to see people losing their collective mind because they thought Sykkuno wasn’t aware of every dirty, flirty words coming straight out of his pretty mouth.

And oh, what a pretty mouth it was, Toast thought as he kissed Sykkuno for the third time that night. So plush and pliant, so needy and suspiciously fast in learning how to properly use his tongue. He had a feeling that Sykkuno had played him and lied so effortlessly in his unassuming stance and wide-eyed innocence.

“It wasn’t your first kiss,” he deduced, and Sykkuno still had the decency to look guilty.

“No,” he said. “But it was the first one that counts.”

“How so?” he asked as he kissed his way down Sykkuno’s chin, his jugular, his neck.

“I- ah, tried a lot of things with- with people who—“ he cut off his words with a low moan, because Rae was outside in the living room with Lily and Poki, continuing their drunken tirade after the stream. “They were just strings of one night stands.”

Sykkuno had a time in his life that he refused to talk about, and Toast didn’t know where the sexcapades fit in the timeline, but he knew it had something to do with his desire to connect, to be accepted and loved. He wasn’t lying when he said it was his first kiss. Because as much as Toast was a sly bastard who pushed at his buttons without mercy, they _were_ friends.

Sex wasn’t something new to either of them, and somehow, it was on the table all of the sudden.

Toast remembered the text messages he hadn’t replied to, the call he hadn’t returned as promised. His girlfriend probably didn’t know that he was currently bending Sykkuno over the bed and clamping his palm over his mouth so they wouldn’t hear when he moaned and screamed as Toast pushed inside, put his hand on Sykkuno’s hip and fucked him like he was discovering something dangerous and exhilarating that made his breath stutter and his conscience retreated into the darkest corner of his mind.

_Harder_ , he asked and Toast almost felt vindictive in the knowledge that Sykkuno had done this enough times to know what to ask for, what he needed. He relented nonetheless, fucked him harder and didn’t feel any remorse at all when Sykkuno’s knees trembled, nearly cried when he came. It felt good to fuck around with someone who knew what they wanted, what they were doing. Although the thought of taking Sykkuno’s first time didn’t exactly make Toast balk, either. It was a weird feeling, but he didn’t look to close to it.

They were friends, and friends didn’t kiss each other the way Toast kissed Sykkuno; didn’t fuck each other the way Toast fucked Sykkuno. Friends didn’t cheat and lie to their significant others, didn’t flirt around with sensual words that blended in with genuine innocence—not when they used their mouths to kiss someone else at night, in the morning when no one was in the kitchen, tangled their bodies in sweat and cum when Sykkuno’s eyes looked too pretty and Toast was granted a power he wasn’t supposed to wield.

“We- we’re still friends, right, Toast?” Sykkuno asked, voice far too small and fragile for someone who gripped and raked his nails on Toast’s back twenty minutes ago.

He secured the blanket around Sykkuno tighter, and didn’t nod. “Yeah,” he said. “We’re still friends.”

He didn’t reply to the messages, didn’t return the call. He slept in his room and still felt the warmth of Sykkuno’s skin on his tongue.

* * *

Sykkuno was smart and at times, almost sly and wicked. But he had a good heart and he was far too kind, something born out his experiences and far too many scars that wouldn’t heal with time. He was selfless, and he was always attentive, always taking care of people and trying to please everyone with what he had. Toast kept him close because it was a stupid thing not to fall for Sykkuno’s soft pleads and laughter. He kept him even closer because Sykkuno could be selfish and his need of validation and connection to other people could outweigh his virtues.

He wasn’t interested in someone so perfect, and Sykkuno’s ability to smell weaknesses was as keen as a shark to blood. Like a dragon to fragile humans and their wooden villages. He would burn them all, and still he’d be seen as something majestic, a myth that would never die; a beast that would symbolize too many things at once to be categorized in black and white. Sykkuno was all of that and more, and Toast wanted to have the first seat for the grand ceremony.

Toast smiled, tight and gleaming with laughter and hysteria. He gripped his mouse tighter and talked with strained voice and calm cadence as he turned the lobby against each other. Rae was angrily telling them that _it’s Toast, oh my fucking God_ , and Toast laughed silently when Corpse disagreed out of habit. Sykkuno was on the lobby, but he was silent, his character long since killed by Hafu in the specimen. He was in the bathroom, he said.

He wasn’t, Toast thought, and looked down to Sykkuno’s lips stretched obscenely around his cock. He had been at it for fifteen minutes, and Toast was forced to function under the onslaught of sensations from his lips, his tongue, the faint slurping sound that was drowned out by Toast’s voice. He wasn’t the best at this, Toast definitely had better heads before, but the gravity of the situation made up for it. He felt almost high when Sykkuno closed his eyes as Toast’s hand kept his head in place, his hips pushing until his cock hit the back of his throat.

Sweet little Sykkuno, taking a cock like he was born for it. It was degrading and maybe he was a little bit angry; at himself, at Sykkuno. It wasn’t like Sykkuno wasn’t a genuinely kind person, Toast was just disappointed that he fell too fast for shy smiles and dirty moans beneath the softness. He prided himself in his wit and intelligence, and he only figured Sykkuno out because he allowed Toast to see.

He gripped Sykkuno’s hair, harsh and harsher still as he came right down his throat. When he let go, Sykkuno swallowed and pulled off, droplets of cum clinging to his lips, tears clumping on the corner of his eyes. His girlfriend said that she missed him, that she wanted to go out this weekend. Toast said that they could go, didn’t reply to the first one and let Sykkuno kneel between his legs in the middle of a stream.

Sykkuno breathed out slowly, and laid his head on Toast’s thigh, eyes closed and looking almost serene. Toast thought, he should go to hell for this. He still didn’t know whether it was worth it or not.

* * *

Sometimes, Sykkuno was soft and warm in the morning, so graceful even when he was barely awake. He wore the sweater that Corpse sent to him, and Toast called his girlfriend this morning to say that he missed her too, that he loved her too as he ran his fingers through Sykkuno’s hair. It should feel dirty, it should feel like a betrayal—both Sykkuno and Toast. But Sykkuno and Corpse had always been afraid of connecting to other people so intimately, and Toast couldn’t see the definite end with his girlfriend. Maybe this was them being a coward in their respective relationships, or prospect of relationship in Sykkuno’s case.

He was reminded of spring and flower petals, and thought that winter was still going to be his favorite season. He wasn’t made for something so delicate, but Sykkuno wasn’t made of something soft either, even if he chose to represent himself that way. He just had too many hardened parts of his broken pieces that he wanted something for himself that wasn’t made from unshed tears and wounds too deep he couldn’t get the knife out even if he tried. Toast could understand that, he could respect the choice.

“G’d morning,” Sykkuno mumbled against Toast’s naked chest. He snuffled around and rubbed his cold legs between Toast’s, seeking warmth and closeness. It was endearing, it made him want to throw up and never look at the soft slant of those eyes anymore.

“You’re pretty kinky,” he said as a greeting.

Sykkuno colored so fast and Toast stifled a laugh. He didn’t worry about the bruises on Sykkuno’s neck from his fingers, didn’t worry about the split lip because Sykkuno bit hard and angry because Toast sometimes still couldn’t stop thinking that he was fragile. Like flower petals in the springtime.

“I have to get back to my room before Michael wakes up and bangs on your door for something stupid,” he said. He didn’t want to. Maybe it was the fleeting infatuation, the exhilaration in his vein for doing something so _wrong_ that he started making comparisons. Sykkuno was a man, with hard planes and no soft curves, but he was warm and Toast slept better next to him than with his girlfriend.

He was a sickfuck, and he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty about it when Sykkuno blinked sleepily and whined for five more minutes, _just stay a little bit longer, Toast_. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Toast was supposed to think about introducing his girlfriend to his family, and Sykkuno should stop flirting with people whom he knew actually meant it. They were supposed to fuck and be done with it. But Toast relented and pressed himself close to Sykkuno, and acted like he went there early in the morning to talk with him when Michael barged in an hour later.

The bruises were covered with makeup, and Sykkuno’s sweater still smelled like Toast. But his eyes crinkled so prettily and Michael rambled on about his latest invention without noticing the way Toast sat closer and closer still to Sykkuno.

He thought about springtime and dragons. He thought about Lily’s words, that Sykkuno was too soft for this world. He thought that it was true, and not the entire truth.

* * *

“Corpse asked to meet you,” he said slowly, as if he hadn’t been saying that for the past five minutes. “In person. He’s asking you out for a date.”

“It’s not a date!” Sykkuno was adamant, but the flush of scarlet high on his cheeks spoke something different.

Rae squealed and cooed, and Toast felt sick. He was man enough to admit that he was cruel and wasn’t deserving of his girlfriend’s love. But Sykkuno wasn’t meant to be put in the same hell as him.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, feigning disinterest. He turned back to his computer, and pretended that he didn’t notice the loaded silence in the room.

“Do you—“ Sykkuno bit his lip, didn’t look away. “Do you not like it?”

“Not exactly my place to give opinions about this, Sykkuno,” he said impatiently.

“Toast, why are you acting like an asshole?” Rae said, sharp words with sharper look. Oh, it would be absolutely fantastic if she ever found out about what Sykkuno and Toast did behind everyone’s back.

Sykkuno still went to the date with a dejected face. Rae didn’t talk to Toast for a whole week, and he found out it was because Corpse had become silent and no longer interacting with Sykkuno with the same enthusiasm and clear affection in his voice. They didn’t flirt anymore, and Sykkuno looked so miserable, and Toast felt so miserable, and he slipped into his room to kiss him; soft and confused and determined not to talk about the thing they had between them.

Toast gritted his teeth and apologized to Corpse, lying so easily about having a bad day and inflicted it on Sykkuno. Lied and said that Sykkuno was only like that because Toast was his closest friend. Lied and said that in no way Sykkuno wasn’t excited and happy about meeting him. It wasn’t exactly a lie as it was an incomplete admission. Yes, Sykkuno cared about Corpse and liked him enough to be happy and honored about being given the privilege to actually meet Corpse in person. But he didn’t say that his opinion mattered too much because Toast knew how Sykkuno’s lips tasted like, how he liked being held when he was fucked, how his cries and moans sounded like, how he looked so incredibly breathtaking and dangerous at once in the morning light.

They made up, back with the flirting at full force and Rae talked to him again with happiness in her eyes at seeing her friends getting along with each other. Rae was a good judge of character, and was too smart at things people would never expect about. But Sykkuno knew how to move undetected, how to slip chaos in with open intention and still made the whole room think that it wasn’t him, _couldn’t possibly be him_. Toast was just heartless enough to put out an act so great that even Sykkuno almost believed it.

They didn’t fuck for two whole months, didn’t so much as kiss or sleep next to each other anymore. He tried to make up his wrongdoings to his girlfriend without telling her the truth and it puzzled him why. Why didn’t he just come out clean and be done with it? So he could stop thinking about the sweat slowly falling down Sykkuno’s back, and the way his words tasted like acid when he talked to Corpse like he was the sweetest thing Sykkuno had ever laid his eyes on. He probably was, but Toast was not in the mood to delve into that.

He was in the mood to be in denial and hold his girlfriend’s hand as if he wasn’t expecting larger palm, the same delicate fingers but longer, stronger. He was in the mood to realize that he was waiting for Sykkuno to bite his lip and shyly look at Toast with soft brown eyes in the kitchen when no one was around. He was waiting for Sykkuno to waste a completely good chance to build a relationship where he would be loved completely, without secrets. He was waiting for Sykkuno to be as bad as he was and nestle himself so shamelessly in Toast’s embrace even if they weren’t the only one they said goodnights and good mornings so lovingly to.

He didn’t even say good morning lovingly to Sykkuno. They had never said anything lovingly to each other. They didn’t say anything too much when they were together, period. They just kissed, and fucked, and messed with each other’s head, and slept so close like they didn’t realize they had gravitated together in their sleep. And it was cruel, and it wasn’t right, but Toast was going to go insane from all of his thoughts.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but Toast had doomed himself from the start when he started thinking about dragons and knights in shining armor with no sword in sight, and too many lifeless bodies left outside of their small castle made of scattered flower petals.

It wasn’t alright at all, and he worried about it all the time. Lily said, she would destroy everything Toast had ever built for himself in this life, and he believed her. But if they both were hurting each other and people they held dear, maybe it wouldn’t count.

* * *

“What’s up with you and Sykkuno?”

Out of everyone in the house to ask that, Toast would never expect Scarra to be one to say the question that hung in the air for these past few months. They still talked and chattered as usual in their streams, nothing was wrong and fans didn’t ask if anything was wrong either. Corpse had started talking like usual to him again, even. His relationship with his girlfriend was as good as ever, and Sykkuno still didn’t look at him in the eye every time they were in the same room. It was all good.

“Why do you ask?” he deflected instead, because Scarra could read secrets in two lines top and Toast was man enough to admit that he feared him.

Scarra sighed and offered him a drink. He took it with a sense of trepidation in his spine.

“Jeremy,” he said, and Toast’s blood ran cold. Scarra had never addressed him with his real name unless it was a serious matter, or it was business. This sure as hell wasn’t about business, even if it involved aspects of it.

“Oh fuck, am I gonna get a beating?” he said, voice small and trembling.

“Maybe,” Scarra smiled, but even he looked tired and impatient. “Look, I don’t care about what you and Sykkuno did as long as you understand the consequences—that’s entirely your business. But this affects the two of you too much and I have to make sure that it won’t jeopardize any of your careers.”

He knew, Toast thought with something like dread and relief in his gut. He didn’t say it out loud, but Toast could feel it. It probably said something about Scarra’s moral if he let it happened this long, this far. But Scarra had always respected their private lives, and he wasn’t responsible for them in that level.

“I don’t know what I should do,” he admitted, taking a swig of his drink.

Scarra heaved out a long breath, and took his time. “Whatever your decision is, don’t keep him out of the loop. You both deserve to talk about this maturely, and try to learn something from it.”

Toast wouldn’t, talk about it that was. He couldn’t even make his decision. But he could appreciate Scarra’s way of respecting the boundaries between work and personal matters. So he nodded, and finished his drink, and went back to Sykkuno’s room to start the vicious cycle all over again.

He was selfish, and Sykkuno was selfish, and they were match made in purgatory, weren’t they?

He kind of wanted to cry and kiss Sykkuno. He did the second, and Sykkuno opened up so beautifully under him; still so warm and welcoming despite everything. He entertained the utopia where he broke up with his girlfriend, where Sykkuno let Corpse down gently, and they could be together in some rose-gold hued romance. What he had were secrets under his tongue and his name whispered like a bad omen on Sykkuno’s lips.

He slept there throughout the morning, and no one in the house said anything about it. Maybe they thought that he made up with Sykkuno about their weird not-fight. They didn’t have to know that Toast kissed Sykkuno like he was trying to tell him something important, something inappropriate, like how he missed him, how he was going crazy because Sykkuno had gone and asked Toast for a kiss and got his cold heart instead. They didn’t have to know that Toast held Sykkuno like he wanted to let him go, and felt settled despite the pain and chaos brewing on the horizon.

Their little castle of springtime and broken pieces was going to burn up in flames soon, and still Toast stayed.

* * *

For a while, everything was fine. It was back to alright, nothing to worry about.

Sykkuno talked to him like he usually did, looked at him and sat close next to him when they were in the same room, laughed at his jokes, and couldn’t kill him whenever he was impostor and Toast would joke about Corpse taking all of Sykkuno’s attention and he should run over there because Corpse was in the room. Sykkuno would stutter and gave him red cards and an abundance of resources and said that no, Toast, he wanted to play with him.

Lily stopped her passive-aggressive threat of oh-so-unintentionally spilling Toast’s dirty secrets on stream, and Rae’s smile was a little bit dim around the edges. Toast avoided her unsaid questions like a plague, and he stubbornly tried to believe that Rae would get over it, would forget about her curiosity about why Toast and Sykkuno was so wrapped around each other almost to the point of _wrong_.

Because Toast had a girlfriend he wanted to introduce to his family, and Sykkuno gasped and withheld his dinner when they mentioned that Corpse was playing. Rae was too smart about things people would never expect about, and Toast had a feeling that she was going to unravel all the tangled yarn Sykkuno and he had messed with.

Sykkuno. His springtime and fragile flower petals, his dragon with his castle of heartbreaks and selfish desires; his small plant on the top of the table, thriving in the chaos and dirty secrets they shared in the kitchen at four in the morning.

It was such a dangerous thing to ever think about Sykkuno as someone remotely close as _his_ , but Sykkuno shifted on his feet when he asked Toast to come hang out with him that day. They went to a tattoo parlor, Corpse’s recommendation, and Toast felt so heavy and lethargic with guilt as he held Sykkuno’s hand throughout his first tattoo.

It was above the juncture of his inner elbow, a small thing that made Sykkuno almost cried getting it. _Mine_ , it said.

_Mine_ , Toast echoed, when Sykkuno was spread so beautifully under him, open and not entirely trusting. Toast kissed him gently, fucked him without mercy, and thought _mine_ as soft moans and muffled whines poured out of Sykkuno’s lips like a siren song. He was drawn in to the voice; he was going to drown and rot in the bottom of the ocean.

“Did you tell Corpse about it?” he asked later. They were lying side by side, staring at the ceiling and feeling like they sat too close to the edge of the cliff.

“No,” Sykkuno whispered. No one in the house knew, Sykkuno wore long-sleeved sweatshirt and jacket as well. “Did you tell your girlfriend about today?”

“No,” Toast replied. He had cancelled their date and said that he had a work to do. He was so sorry; he was going to make it up to her later. But they went home pretty late, and Toast didn’t go back to his room to call her.

“Okay,” Sykkuno said, and there was a smile in his voice. It sounded content, it sounded sad. It sounded like a stab to Toast’s heart.

He turned to the side, and thought that he could stop being a coward even if only for a moment. “What does it mean?”

“A lot,” Sykkuno said, and turned to face him. Maybe he wanted to be brave too. “It means that my life is mine to decide what I wanted to do with it, about it. It- it means you.”

“Oh,” he breathed out, and started thinking about his crazy utopia again. He wanted it so bad that he ached with it, but Sykkuno’s eyes were somber and the lines of his lips trembled like he was about to cry.

“We have done something so bad, haven’t we Toast?” he asked, for the first time saying it out loud. Sykkuno was always going to be braver than Toast could ever hope to be.

“Yeah,” he said, and maybe he wanted to cry too.

“We’re never going to end up together, are we?” he asked again, and it hurt Toast to the point of breathlessness.

His voice was smaller than a whisper when he said, “No.”

He let his heart break when Sykkuno closed his eyes, tear fell to the side of his face and he was shaking silently—breaking apart piece by piece and Toast could do nothing but watch and drive the knife further. He thumbed the tear on the corner of Sykkuno’s eyes, wiped it dry even as more fell all over again. It was almost like watching an apocalypse; he was helpless, resigned.

“I know,” Sykkuno said, and his voice cracked as he cried still. “I know that. But I’m selfish, you know that, Toast. I hurt your girlfriend, I hurt Corpse, I- I hurt all of our friends by wanting to keep this—keep you even if it’s wrong.”

“We hurt each other, too,” he said gently, soft and so, so vulnerable as he bared his blackened heart out in the open.

“Yeah,” Sykkuno said, far too accepting. Like he had given up; maybe he had. “But I want to keep even a piece of you with me, the part- the part of you that I have all for myself. We’re never going to amount to anything, but Toast—“

He was cut off with another silent sob that wracked his frame, and Toast balled his fist, sink his nails so hard into his palm. He wanted to touch him so bad, wanted to gather him close and lie that they were going to be alright. But he couldn’t do that to Sykkuno, he didn’t deserve it in this moment. Sykkuno was his brave, fearless dragon and Toast was waiting inside the burning castle as he fought off the onslaught of stones and arrows.

Maybe Sykkuno was the knight, and Toast was the dragon; hoarding him in his castle and never letting go even if it meant that Sykkuno would be fighting his own people so he could stay with Toast.

“I selfishly, desperately wanted to keep you here, right here on my skin, in my heart,” he said. “So I can remember one day, without regret, that you were mine once upon a time. That- that I made the decision in my life to have you close enough even- even if—even if never entirely.”

He didn’t say sorry, he didn’t think an apology was going to cut it. Sykkuno might be the one who started it, but Toast had consciously taken his hand and didn’t let go even if it wasn’t the right thing to do. They were just as bad, just as heartless in keeping their closely guarded secrets for as long as it was. _But baby_ , Toast thought sadly, _the castle is ruined and we’re dying_.

This was the end, Toast realized, and it broke every inhibition in his mind and he held Sykkuno close and cried silently on his shoulder. His lovely flower petals, withering and falling off in an autumn that felt like a winter; so cold, so distant.

“I just—“ Sykkuno sobbed out, “I just wanted to remember that I loved you, once upon a time.”

Toast felt like something was holding his heart in a tight grip, and pulled out so harshly; as harsh as the sob that went out of his throat at Sykkuno’s words. How could something that was supposed to be so good, so awaited for, could feel this painful—come at the worst time? Fate was a cruel thing and Toast held Sykkuno tighter because it was going to be the last time.

“I love you,” he whispered, because it was enough for them. For their kind of love. “Fuck, Sykkuno, I love you and I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.”

“We-we’ll move on, Toast,” he said, and he sounded like his own words broke his heart a little bit more, drove the knife a little further until it came out clean on the other side. “We’ll forget about this, forget about—oh, oh God, Toast, I don’t want to ever- ever—Toast—“

The gravity of the situation, _the end_ , left him feeling like he was drowning and taking the first breath of air for the first time. He kissed Sykkuno with desperation in every touch, with affection that was so wrong and so real. He kissed him and tasted his tears and wished that he was braver, that he could be a knight in his matted armor and they could build a fort made of simple wishes and simpler life. A simple love.

He kissed Sykkuno like he wanted to say everything they could never say before, and Sykkuno kissed him back like he understood. They cried until they were too tired to cry anymore. Toast held him in his arms and Sykkuno held on just as tight. They had to let go, and it was more painful than anything Toast had ever experienced in his life. He didn’t know that falling in love could feel like this.

It was beautiful and soft, but it was fleeting and the rushed goodbyes were as inevitable as the change of seasons. Toast felt like it take everything in him to let go, and he would be left with nothing but a shadow of himself afterwards. But spring would come again, and maybe he wouldn’t have his springtime personified into a hesitant wind and soft flower petals anymore when it came the next time around. But Toast could still appreciate it, could still love it even if the flower grew without his calloused hands touching each petal.

“Goodbye, Toast,” Sykkuno whispered against his lips, and kissed him so softly, so tenderly, so tragically.

Toast breath him in, trying to remember the way Sykkuno’s eyes looked so pretty under the dim light of his room, the memories of them hidden from the world, the soft lips and the lines of his heart that he held for one spring. “Goodbye, Sykkuno,” he said, and he felt the warmth of Sykkuno’s hand in his as they edged closer to the cliff, and fell into the abyss.

He went back to his room, and stared at the ceiling until well into the morning. The lights filtered through his blinds, and Toast didn’t know if he could breathe properly without Sykkuno’s mingling with his now. But he would learn to breathe without him so close to his heart. Maybe in a long time, but they had made the decision for themselves and they had to learn from it.

He allowed himself a moment to mourn. He allowed himself a moment to carve his utopia behind his eyelids—where the spring would last forever, and the castle was burned but they walked away to travel the world, build themselves a hut instead of a castle. A small, warm place where they couldn’t be apart without missing each other too dearly.

He opened his eyes, and tried to accept the end of spring, the fall of the castle, and the knight leaning against the dragon as they were both at death’s door—taking their last breath like the last petal of the flower falling to the ground.

_Mine_ , Sykkuno said. _Mine_ , Toast remembered.

* * *

Toast broke up with his girlfriend two weeks later. He didn’t tell her about Sykkuno and him. It might sound like he was trying to salvage the damage, but all he was trying to do was being selfish for the last time. He wanted to keep it as something that only they knew about; like the tattoo on Sykkuno’s skin, like the utopia Toast built in his head.

Scarra took him out to drink, and Toast said, “I loved him.” He nodded and kindly didn’t say anything about how shattered Toast sounded when he said it.

Sykkuno sat next to him in the kitchen, and Toast didn’t touch him, didn’t kiss him. He made Toast a cup of coffee, and it all felt so familiar but he was learning to deal with the ache. He said that he talked to Corpse, said that Corpse was still intent in getting close to Sykkuno.

“I told him I’m heartbroken,” he said, and it was a good step towards the right direction—to acknowledge their feelings. “I told him I can’t let myself hurt him further because it’s hard for me to feel anything for a while.”

Toast nodded. He sipped on his cup of coffee and told him about the breakup. For a moment, he thought he saw something like hope and resignation in Sykkuno’s eyes, but then he blinked and Sykkuno was smiling softly, nodding at him and sipped at his own cup of coffee. He didn’t say anything about it, Toast didn’t want him to.

“Do you think—do you think we’ll be alright?” he hesitantly asked, voice so small and fingers hiding beneath his sweater paws.

Toast looked at them and closed his eyes, counting his breath. “We’ll be alright, Sykkuno.”

They wouldn’t be, for a long time. Because they wouldn’t share the bed together anymore, didn’t kiss each other softly on the lips. Didn’t whisper _I love yous_ in the darkness of their rooms. But Sykkuno’s heart shattered into pieces and Toast was drowning in the bottom of the ocean, and yet their hearts were still beating, and they still struggled to take a gulp of air despite the encompassing vastness of the depth of the heartbreak.

“We’re friends, aren’t we, Sykkuno?” he asked. “Still are?”

Sykkuno’s smile still looked a little bit broken around the edges, but it was still a beautiful thing to see, and Toast would miss him dearly in silence. “We are, Toast.”

He gave him a small smile of his own, and they finished their coffees in silence. It was four in the morning; Sykkuno was so soft and pretty under the light of the kitchen, and Toast let out a breath that he had been holding for months. Maybe he would go to the tattoo parlor, put identical words into his skin, put _utopia_ into another part of his body. Maybe above his heart, maybe the inside of his upper arm—hidden and real, the way they were back then.

So Toast could remember, too. That he fell in love with the right person at the wrong time, in the right way with the wrong circumstances. That once upon a time, he was a dragon, a knight, and he held a springtime and hesitant wind and fragile flower petals in the cradle of his heart. That once upon a time, Sykkuno was his and he was Toast’s. That once upon a time, they broke their hearts and they were going to be alright.

Because once upon a time, Sykkuno was his brave, fearless dragon and Toast was his strong, immovable knight in shining armor; a beacon of enemies and miseries.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote the word selfish 7 times in total but i felt like it typed it a hundred times.
> 
> thank you for reading this mess i made because i procrastinated from my commission. come talk to me in the comments because toastkkuno tag is l o n e l y. have a nice day ahead and don't forget to drink lots of water!


End file.
